Think back to the times when humans planted first seeds. And for a while, they probably attributed their harvest to divine intervention, alignment of stars or a curse of the neighboring tribe. But with time, we learned that a plant needs the right mixture of sunlight, water, temperature and nutrients and so we have solved one of our basic physiological needs for food. But why is it that we still cannot align our expectations with reality when it comes to fidelity and monogamy? Studies show that we are still in stone age, believing in fairytales about prince charming and love everlasting, while living season after season of Sex in the City.
While infidelity often comes as a shock, it is not always viewed as a completely impossible occurrence. Several scientific studies have investigated how partners estimate the chances that their partner would ever cheat on them. One study on couples married less than ten years suggests that early on in their marriages, people estimate that the chance of their spouses ever engaging in extra-marital sex as 7,9 percent (ref.2). More than a third of people married less than ten years had complete and total faith in their spouse, reporting that there was no chance their partner would ever cheat on them (ref.3). Another study asked the same question to newlyweds, who estimated that there was a less than 3 percent chance that their spouses would engage in either a one-night, a brief affair or serious affair within the next year (ref.3). Apparently, the honeymoon phase applies to trust as well!
Officially tying the knot might be a significant gesture for some, but its effect on partner trust is not immediately clear. Individuals in committed dating relationships still mostly trust that their partners won’t cheat on them, with their faith in their partners at the same level as than their married counterparts. Those in dating relationships estimated that the probability of their partner cheating was between 5 and 9 percent (ref.1), which is within the same range as estimations found in married relationships.
When it comes to relationship fidelity, the grass is apparently not as green on the other side of the white picket fence. An interesting finding comes from one study that asked individuals about the likelihood of cheating among other relationships outside of their own. Respondents estimated that 42 percent of members of the opposite sex cheat on their partners (ref.1). This finding shows that although people significantly underestimate their chances to be cheated on, they see infidelity as reasonably common. We are quite convinced that others cheat, yet are also convinced that our own partners are different.
What is the actual rate of infidelity? That data on infidelity is often hard to obtain, possibly due to the shame and embarrassment attached to the issue. Estimates greatly depend on the type of methodology employed, the sample surveyed, and the definition of adultery used by the researchers. Compiling many studies, however, we see a pattern emerging, which is significantly higher from the expectations. Studies report from as low as 26 percent to as high as 70 percent for women and from 33 percent to 75 percent of men cheat (ref.4, 5,6). While stereotypes tend to tell us that men are more likely to cheat, studies show otherwise. Due to the fact that men generally tend to overreport and women to underreport their number of sexual partners, the rate of infidelity between genders is more or less the same.
While the studies aren’t clear on the exact rate of infidelity, what’s clear is that the rate of infidelity is much higher than what individuals expect in their own relationships. Some authors even suggest that the number of married couples that experience an affair at any point may be as high as 76 percent (ref.7).
With knots come tangles, and that includes the knots we make on our wedding day. A majority of people tend to seek committed relationships and disapprove of infidelity in marriage (ref.8), even if infidelity is quite widespread. I think that humans may not be the monogamous species that we often view ourselves, we may simply be more idealistic. In any case, as a scientist, I believe in the value of knowing. And also there is some comfort in not knowing.
In the realm of sex work, there is a long standing notion that money is the primary motivation for engaging in sex. But is it so? My study of 80 Arousr chat hosts suggests that sex workers may have a multitude of motivations beyond mere monetary compensation when it comes to their interactions with clients. To fully grasp the complexities of these motivations, let's delve into the broader understanding of what drives people to engage in sex.
The reasons individuals choose to have sex are numerous and complex and are not limited by obvious reasons for reproduction, relief of sexual tension and sexual pleasure. Sexserves as a powerful tool for fulfilling a wide range of human needs. For some people sex is a great way to deal with stress,offering a respite from the pressures of everyday life. Others find that sex bolsters their self-esteem or enhances their social standing. Moreover, sex can act as a creative outlet and a means of self-exploration, allowing individuals to delve into different sexualpractices or fulfill their fantasies. Let us not overlook the profound emotional dimension of sex, as it provides a channel for expressing love,commitment, gratitude, or being sorry. Occasionally, individuals may be motivated by less noble desires, such as seeking revenge or leveraging sex to advance their professional goals.
Returning to the question what motivates chat hosts to engage in sex with their clients, a simple answer would be that money is not the only driving force. Instead, their motivations parallel those they might have when engaging in sex with real-life partners. Arousr chat hosts reported comparable levels of motivation to engage in sex for various reasons, regardless of whether their partner was physical or virtual. They sought new sexual experiences or wished to act out their fantasies, sought the self-esteem boost often associated with sexualconnections, sought stress relief, craved the thrill and excitement that comes with engaging in something forbidden, or wanted to express their emotions to their partners. Strikingly, chat hosts demonstrated equal willingness to approach both real-life partners and virtual clients to have sex for these reasons.
Moreover, chathostess expressed a greater motivation to explore certain kinks and fetishes with their clients than with their real-life partners. According to a representative of Arousr, the website for which these chat hosts work, many of these individuals are genuinely interested in engaging in kinky sex, which they may not have access to in their personal lives. This allure is what draws them to the platform.
And what about money? Undeniably,most of us desire appropriate remuneration for our efforts. However, financial gain ranked only sixth among the top reasons why chat hosts engage in online sex.More frequently, their motivations stem from the pleasure they derive from such encounters, the physical attraction they feel towards their clients, the pursuit of novel sexual experiences, the desire to express their emotions, and the need to boost their self-esteem.
In conclusion, the study challenges the prevailing assumption that sex workers are primarily and only motivated by monetary rewards. It reveals a rich tapestry of motivations that extend beyond financial considerations. For these chat hosts, engaging in consensual sexualactivity is driven by a multitude of factors, including pleasure, physical attraction, emotional and creative expression, and self-esteem enhancement.Money, while important, occupies a lower rung on their list of motivations.
Throughout history, people have structured their sexual relationships in different ways. Though they may seem like a 21 st Century concept, non-monogamous relationships are not an invention of our generation (ref.1). Though usually discussed in hushed voices and after the children had gone to bed, parents of our parents often knew somebody who lived in an open relationship, had multiple lovers or even attended an orgy. In the last decade, non-monogamy seems to be on the rise, or perhaps has just become less of a taboo topic. However, great confusion exists around the concepts and labels and my goal for this article is to explain the most common sexual relationship structures.
Monogamous relationships are those that follow the rule of no sexual or romantic relationships outside of the main partnership (ref.2). Despite worldwide marriage rates declining over the last two decades, about 85 percent of Americans and Europeans are still projected to get married (ref.3) or live in a “marriage-like” relationship (ref.4).
The concept of monogamy seems straightforward and uncomplicated at first, but, like any relationship, it is filled with nuance. These two hypothetical situations, about men named Mark and Peter, can help us understand some of these nuances. Mark, while married multiple times, was faithful to each of his wives while he was married to them. When he was not married, however, he believed that it was fine to date as many partners as he wanted – though he never gave false promises to his girlfriends. Peter met his wife at school and they had a long and generally happy marriage until she died. Now, Peter is alone and plans to keep his wedding day vow to be faithful to her, despite the fact that she has since passed away. In other words, you can be monogamous for a lifetime (ref.5) or only during certain periods of your life (ref.5,6). But is it as straightforward as it looks? Monogamy is, after all, a social construct, while what matters
is inside the couple’s relationship. Would Peter’s wife consider him faithful if she found a stash of porn on his computer? Or would any of Mark’s later wives throw down the gauntlet if he screamed the previous wife’s name in the heat of passion? Not even the clearest type of relationship can be painted in black and white, and you can read about the grey areas of monogamy in my article iCheat.
Non-monogamy can be consensual or not, the main difference being whether or not your partner knows and approves of your extra-dyadic relationship.
Most people consider physical sex with someone else without one’s partner’s explicit consent to violate the monogamy agreement. When this agreement is broken, the other partner usually ends up feeling betrayed (ref. 7, 8, 9). The main question is: What behaviors constitute unfaithfulness? Some partners allow room within their monogamous relationships for innocent flirtation or online entertainment like porn or sex chats, while others stick to more strict definition of boundaries.
Another nuance of infidelity is that it can be sexual, emotional, or both (ref. 9, 10, 11). Usually the focus of infidelity is on the sexual act – in one study where respondents were asked to define what sexual infidelity was, most emphasized specifically sexual activity (Ref.10). However, a non-sexual but romantic connection to a lover can be just as devastating as sexual infidelity is to one’s partner and relationship.
In contrast to open relationships, where partners are in agreement regarding non- monogamy, infidelity is a common cause of divorce (ref 12). However, it is the break of trust, not the nonmonogamy itself, that makes sexual infidelity so disruptive to the marriage (ref. 13), as trust is believed by theorists to be one of the most important components of relationship quality (ref.14).
While cheating without one’s partner’s knowledge is far more common in society (estimates vary between 20% and 70% of all people have cheated on their partner without that partner’s consent. See my article "Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater for more details), some couples choose to openly discuss their extra-marital sexual needs and desires. Although it is estimated that only about 4-5% of the population choose to “talk about it” (ref.15), the nuances and differences of these agreed upon relationships vary greatly.
Swinging is probably the most commonly portrayed form of open relationships in the media. Swingers are couples who engage in sexual relationships with others, often in close proximity at a party, sex club or in other social setting (ref.16). An important element of a swinging relationship is that the primary couple views swinging as something that they do as a couple, treating it like a shared pastime (ref.15). Participants of a swinging party or convention have a common understanding that they are not monogamous (ref.15) and may engage in a variety of non-monogamous behaviors. These include exchanging partners with another couple for inviting a third person to have sex with the couple (ref.15, 17). In any case, partners who swing can separate sex and love, as they allow only sex and not love to be shared outside their couple (ref.18).
An open relationship is an arrangement whereby the partners allow each other to seek sexual relationships independently from one another: “We are together, but I have my lover and you have your lover.” These relationships outside the main relationship usually are neither romantic nor loving, though differ from swinging. In contrast to swingers, who often have sex with other partners while their partners are present, those in open relationships pursue sexual experiences independently from their main partner (ref.15).
Unlike swingers, polyamorous individuals are more likely to describe their multiple relationships as having a romantic or emotional component, rather than being strictly sexual (ref.20). Although polyamorous individuals typically reject sexual and emotional exclusivity, these relationships often involve explicitly negotiated agreements about what types of extra-dyadic interactions are permitted by each partner. For example, partners may agree that it is acceptable for an individual to love both their partner and their lover, but at night that individual should always be with their partner. For some, polyamory means that having unprotected sex is permitted with one person, but not the others (ref.21). Some polyamorists reject any relationship rules and emphasize the importance of individual freedom, communication, and ongoing negotiation (ref.18).
There are multiple kinds of polyamorous relationships. An individual may choose to partner with multiple people, or two members of a couple may date a third, also known as a triad. Some couples may even evolve into a relationship with another couple, known as a quad, or become a part of networks of people involved in various configurations with one another (ref.19).
It is tempting to classify romantic relationships into strict frames of monogamy and non- monogamy, though reality is complex and often has unclear and fluid boundaries. Dividing lines between different forms of relationship structures are blurry (ref.22) and should be perceived as generalized trends with various exceptions.
When it comes to relationships, we all have been influenced by personal experiences and social constructs. And I can imagine that reading this article, it would be hard not to pass some judgement on what feels right or wrong. Studying this fascinating field, I never stop being amazed at the diversity of choices that people make in their efforts to balance their personal and relationship needs. And I have encountered plenty of happy and unhappy couples in each of the relationships described above. While the topic of happiness deserves a separate blog, couples that constantly work on their relationships fair better than those who leave the monogamy topic unattended.
What interests us more than sex? Forbidden sex. We even have an entire genre of shows about infidelity: The Affair, Fracture, The Other Woman, Cheaters. Sex outside a non- open relationship is clearly no insignificant act, betraying the emotional and even physical safety of a relationship. Its ramifications are long-lasting, evidenced in the common phrase “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” While the pain that comes with cheating is very real, what remains ambiguous for most couples is what actually counts as cheating. While we all know the physical acts that are considered cheating, the explosion of online communication has made the act of cheating even murkier than before. So how has the online world changed the way we may define infidelity?
There are few industries left not disrupted by the online tools. Relationships are noexception. This article draws attention to the variety of new ways of infidelity that the onlineworld is dishing out to us on a daily basis. My hope is that I raise awareness and subjectsfor conversations between you and your partner, with the goal of negotiating your monogamy agreements and building a deeper trusting relationship.
In 2003, a study investigated how people in relationships perceive offline and online behaviors such as cybersex, hot chat, pornography, and emotional and sexual intimacy. As society has transformed into the brave new world that is social media and cyber interactions, our views of relationships have only gotten more complicated. Pornography, a medium made up mostly of images and videos, is understandably seen as an act separate from sexual or emotional infidelity in person. This separation in many people’s minds allows them to perceive it as less harmful than physical infidelity (ref.1). In contrast, many people in relationships considered online relationships, or some sort of emotional connection and communication by using online tools, as straying away from a committed relationship. Many people even view online, unfaithful relationships as just as harmful as the same kind relationships offline (ref.1). The tools used in infidelity do not make much difference in how an unfaithful relationship is viewed – a recent study found that 83% of respondents viewed sexting outside of a relationship as cheating too (ref.5). It seems that while the internet has allowed us to access a seemingly infinite world at our fingertips, it has also made the possibility for infidelity even easier. In fact, 90% of those surveyed considered “seeing someone” offline as a betrayal, and 84% considered “seeing someone” online as a betrayal (ref.2). Even if communication only exists on a phone or computer screen, the person on the other end of those messages is still very real.
Studies even show that infidelity does not necessarily have to involve another person, or even real acts. What matters, in many cases, is the feeling that might come with a sexual or emotional connection. Many view sexual fantasies about someone outside a relationship as infidelity and these feelings were said to provoke jealousy (ref.3,4). Parasocial behaviors (imagined relationships with celebrities or fictional characters) were less likely to be seen as infidelity, though most participants of the study still perceived extradyadic (outside couple relationship) parasocial relationships to be a form of betrayal and as potentially harmful to real-life romantic relationships (ref.2). This may be because the more fantasizing is seen as a threat to a relationship, the more it is considered to be infidelity (ref.4). The closer something is to becoming a reality, the more harm it causes.
Men and women differ in their definitions of infidelity and how concerning these behaviors are to them (ref.2). Overall, women define a wider range of behaviors as infidelity (ref.1,6), though both men and women find sexual infidelity to be equally damaging (ref.4).
The fact that cheating can still happen online shows that infidelity is not just a physical act, but an emotional one as well. Social media and online content have given us greater opportunities for communication. Though with a new medium we faced new challenges that we yet only to learn how to navigate. Find out more on identifying your fidelity boundaries with your partner in my article “The Monogamy agreement”.
We’ve all seen the classic scenario, whether on TV, while attending a wedding, or even getting married ourselves. A couple gets married, sharing public, heartfelt promises to be “together and faithful ‘till death do us part.” Then why is so common, decades after having made this promise, that so many couples’ definition of monogamy remains not only unknown but may be vastly different between partners? Just think for a second, do you and your partner have the same answer to some of these questions:
• How often do we have sex? Who initiates?
• Is self-pleasuring a part of our ordinary lives or does it mean that something is wrong in the relationship?
• Can I have friends of an opposite gender? Can I exchange dirty jokes with that person?
• Can I flirt with other people? Where are the boundaries?
• Can I watch porn? Do we watch porn separately? Who makes the decision?
• Can we have casual sex with other people when we travel separately?
The list goes beyond sex to fantasies, friendships, thoughts, desires and emotions. In this article, I will describe why it is important to be explicit with one another about definitions and expectations of the monogamy promise, and how to take first steps toward achieving a more transparent, and more trusting relationship.
Let us go back to the wedding vows: statistically, about half of the couples never bring up the issue of fidelity again after their wedding day (ref.1). It is even less common among unmarried couples, who never go through the “I do”s and “Until death”s, and might never even openly broach the topic of fidelity with their significant others. This often leads to these concepts remaining unspoken. This silent agreement, and lack of open discussion, forces both partners to live with their own assumptions about what it means to be faithful. This creates a couple’s differing expectations about the true meaning of monogamy, an unseen rift that only widens without clear communication. One study showed a whopping 40 percent of individuals in relationships didn’t know their partner’s “rules” when it came to monogamy (ref.1). How can you follow the rules if you don’t even know what they are in the first place? Imagine a busy intersection where only 40% of drivers know the meaning of a red light? Now relate this image to the ever-increasing divorce rates around the world. Because these individuals didn’t know what their partners expectations were, they often find themselves breaking the partner’s rules them without even realizing it (ref.1).
It is not uncommon for couples to start their lives together with implicit rules regarding fidelity, such as “I know you won’t cheat, but I probably will,” or “I will be faithful to you except for the periods when you are pregnant,” because someone might still want regular sex when the other partner is unwilling or unable to provide it. Another implicit agreement might be “I will stay emotionally committed but still have one-night stands,” with the belief that it’s okay if there is no emotional connection. Some implicit agreements may not involve physical sex at all: “I will spend a lot of time with that other guy who is in love with me, we will have soulful conversations, but I won’t have sex with him,” with the understanding that it’s not cheating if there’s no physical sex involved. These implicit rules are often based on cultural norms, religious beliefs (or lack thereof), traditional sex roles, family background, and personal moral values. They are often unspoken, and may be different from explicit agreements. And because they are implicit, each partner may hold a different and even opposing understanding of what the agreement is. This divergent understanding results in different expectations when it comes to fidelity.
Occasionally, when facing relationship difficulties, many couples redefine their understanding of monogamy and come up with more explicit agreements (ref.2). Further, according Dr Tammy Nelson, it is not enough to make this agreement once, but it should be a continuous negotiation, she views monogamy as a continuum, rather than a dichotomous term, and encourages couples to revisit rules throughout the course of their relationships (ref.1). Even more important than buying a new dishwasher or deciding on a paint color for the living room, continuous communication is key when it comes to negotiating monogamy expectations, because as couples age and pass through different developmental stages of their marriage (ref.2), these rules should change as well. Life stages, such as kids being born, leaving home, menopause, retirement, personal existential crises and growths should all trigger an adjustment in this most important agreement. Referring to driving analogy, it is just like renewing your driving license when it is no longer valid.
Why is it important to have an agreement in regards to monogamy? While it might be a difficult conversation, the benefits of having it far outweigh any discomfort. Common understanding of what is acceptable and what is unacceptable promotes deeper and healthier relationships. Because communication creates fewer grey areas, these relationships are less prone to misunderstandings and betrayal and instead promote trust in each other.
If a couple decides to make a monogamy agreement, the results tend to be better with the guidance of a trained psychologist. Setting this agreement during a therapy session allows a couple to establish their “do”s and “don’t”s in terms of fidelity. There are various aspects that a couple may decide to discuss, including, but not limited to:
- Thoughts
• Do I share my sexual thoughts with you, or do I keep them private?
- Fantasy
• Do I share fantasies I have about celebrities or fictional characters? What is an acceptable level of detail? Do I share my fantasies that I might have about real people?
- Desires
• If I desire any sexual acts that are not common in our relationship, do I discuss them with you, or do I keep it to myself?
- Emotions
• What if I become emotionally connected to a friend of the opposite sex?
- Sex
• How often do we have sex? Who initiates?
• Can I watch porn? Do we watch porn separately? Who makes the decision?
• Can we have casual sex with other people when we travel separately?
• Do we tell each other when we masturbate?
- Flirtation
• What are the rules regarding flirting with other people?
• Is it ok to flirt with someone at work?
• Is it ok to flirt with each other’s friends?
• Where is the line between innocent flirtation and flirtation that can make you jealous?
These are only a few questions to illustrate possible topics during a process that may take several sessions. Some couples take it very seriously and get in heated discussions, while others are more relaxed, viewing it as an opportunity to explore and grow together. My own experience shows that couples with more explicit agreements have more trust and confidence compared to couples who refrain from open discussions, choosing instead to stick to their own assumptions.
These discussions are undoubtedly difficult, especially when broached for the first time and late in a relationship. But if rooted in love and shared desire to build a stronger relationship together, they will be far easier than having to deal with the repercussions caused by miscommunication.
As a psychotherapist and expert on sexual relationships, I've encountered many individuals who engage in consensually non-monogamous relationships. In my experience, one of the common challenges that arise in these relationships is jealousy.
First and foremost, it is important to recognize that jealousy is a natural and normal human emotion. It is a signal that something we value is at risk, and it can be a powerful motivator to take action to protect what we care about. However, jealousy can also be a destructive force in relationships, particularly when it is not managed well.
In the context of consensual non-monogamy, jealousy can be especially challenging. When we are in a monogamous relationship, the boundaries are often clearer. There is an expectation that our partner is committed to us exclusively, and any threat to that commitment can trigger feelings of jealousy. In a polyamorous relationship, however, those boundaries are more fluid. It is possible for one partner to form a connection with someone else, without it necessarily being a threat to the existing relationship. This can be confusing and disorienting, and can lead to feelings of jealousy that are difficult to understand and manage.
So what can we do about jealousy in the context of a non-monogamous relationship where we are expected to have broader boundaries, but experience jealousy nonetheless? There are a few key strategies that can be helpful.
First, it is important to be honest and transparent with your partners. If you are feeling jealous, it is important to communicate that openly and honestly, without blaming or attacking your partners. This can help to build trust and intimacy in your relationships, and can also help to prevent misunderstandings or miscommunications that can fuel jealousy. Instead of blaming the partner for making you feel jealous, say “I feel jealous and I need to talk to you”.
Second, it can be helpful to explore the underlying emotions that are driving your jealousy. Are you feeling insecure? Afraid of losing your partner? Do you feel like your needs are not being met? By identifying these underlying emotions, you can begin to address them directly, rather than getting caught up in the surface-level emotions of jealousy. In my practice, it is never about your partner not answering the phone or not messaging you when promised. It is about something bigger, usually your value to them.
Finally, it is important to recognize that jealousy is not always a sign of a problem in the relationship. Sometimes, jealousy is simply a sign that we care deeply about our partners and want to protect the relationship. By reframing jealousy in this way, we can begin to view it as an opportunity for growth and deeper connection, rather than a threat to the relationship.
Also, as you learn how to manage the negative aspects of jealousy, you might want to explore what it actually brings to the relationship. Many couples in my practice admit that jealousy in manageable portions is like salt and pepper to the food – the spice up the relationship, make you see your partner in a new light, and even stimulate desire for them.
Sex addiction is a complex and controversial topic that has been debated since the emersion of the concept in 1980ies. Many people are quick to label someone with compulsive sexual behavior as a sex addict, but is it accurate? Silva Neves, Europe's leading expert in compulsive sexual behavior and one of my teachers, argues that the concept of sex addiction is reductive and outdated. Moreover, neither DSM-5 or ICD-11, the therapists’ bibles, recognize it as an addiction either.
So, why the idea of sex addiction is so prevalent in popular culture? The term "sex addiction" has mostly been popularized in the media to sensationalize stories of celebrities or politicians who have been caught engaging in inappropriate behavior. However, there is a lack of empirical evidence to support the idea that sex addiction exists as a discrete and diagnosable disorder.
Instead, Neves argues that compulsive sexual behavior should be treated as a psycho-sexual issue that requires a holistic and sex-positive approach. As a complex issue, compulsive sexual behavior can be caused by a variety of factors, including trauma, shame, and attachment issues. It is not simply a matter of an individual having a high sex drive or being addicted to pleasure. Therefore, treatment should focus on the underlying causes of compulsive sexual behavior, rather than simply addressing the behavior itself. Oftentimes, therapists who see the issue through addiction prism, prescribe treatments that are similar to AA approach and are focused on abstinence or avoidance of certain sexual behaviors. I challenge that approach. I believe the issue of sexual compulsivity requires a more nuanced approach to treatment that is non-judgmental and empathetic. Shame and stigma surrounding sex already can make it difficult for individuals to seek help, and labeling someone as a sex addict can exacerbate these feelings. So, rather than focusing solely on behavior modification, it is important to address the underlying emotional and psychological factors that contribute to compulsive sexual behavior. By uncovering these contributing factors, I help my clients to explore their sexuality in a healthy and positive way. Compulsive sexual behavior is like a tangled knot that needs to be carefully untied in order to be understood and managed.
In conclusion, while the concept of compulsive sexual behavior is a controversial topic and might be addressed in several ways, never it should not be left without attention. Seeking help through therapy and support groups can have a major impact of person’s quality of life and overall well-being. At the end, there are few things that impact the quality of our lives as much as our sex lives.
